Let’s talk about them—the modern mirages men who wear beige matching linen sets, the emotionally elusive one who shows up with passion, charm, and eye contact… and then vanishes faster than your paycheck abroad.

They’re not villains (well, not always). Sometimes they mean well. Sometimes they’re just confused. And sometimes? They’re just in it for the vibes and vibes alone. You think you’ve met someone who’s finally got it all—charisma, connection, chemistry—and before you can say “Why do you like trains?” They vanished, so now you’re stuck in a loop of why on earth you’ve wasted time on them. SMT (suck my teeth).

So, in the spirit of saving ourselves time, tears, and journaling marathons, I give you my hard-learned truth, because I love you, and I don’t want you to buy a house with a weirdo who’s losing their hair.

The “now you see me, now you don’t” magician

He texts you all day Sunday, plans your wedding by Tuesday, then vanishes into the mist by Thursday night.

The “hot body, cold heart” gym king

He’s got a nice body—but emotionally, he’s the North Pole. Prepare to be physically admired and emotionally neglected.

The “deep talker, surface feeler” philosopher

Communications were great, but can’t name a single thing he’s feeling or what he really wants. He is a big baby.

The “in a relationship with his freedom” guy

He’s not ready for commitment, but wants all the perks of one. Welcome to the limbo lounge.

The “emotionally booked and busy” bachelor

He claims he just can’t open up right now. Maybe next lifetime? We don’t need that!

The “weekend romantic, weekday stranger”

He’s all cuddles and croissants on Saturday…then ghosts you like Monday never existed.

The “I told you I wasn’t ready” truth teller

He warned you. You hoped he’d change. He didn’t. He’s not a liar—he’s just your heartbreak with a disclaimer.

The “always almost something” situationship specialist

It’s not nothing, but it’s never something. You’re stuck in the world’s most confusing “non-relationship.”

Right now, the only thing you can do is to take them as they come. Match their energy. Do as little or as much as they do. Why? Because you are not God, or God-like. If they don’t come correct, kindly ask them to go back to their mother in the village.

Write to: lo********@***il.com or follow @daviid.l2